Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
