is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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