So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
