Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
