Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
