Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
