Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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