Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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