I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
