Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
