My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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