and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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