idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
