are you so shy because you have an std?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
