don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
