When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
