She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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