He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
