we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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