Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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