I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When did angry sex become our thing?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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