i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
