i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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