batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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