I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
