Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
