now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
