I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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