Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
