I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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