Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
