I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My liver just had a heart attack.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
