Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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