Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
