If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
