Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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