just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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