My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize