Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
