My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
