I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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