dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
