I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
