Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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