She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize