I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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