Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
