If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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