I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
