Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
