Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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