Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
