I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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