Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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