At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
