By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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