I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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