He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
