new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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