I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I love you. Go after that dick
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
