I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
PANTIES FOUND
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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