Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
