WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
