Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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