I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
