Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
