Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Damn victory sex feels great
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
