was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
