you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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