i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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